So, it has been a fortnight and a bit since I last wrote on this blog.  That’s not too bad – it included a trip to Perth for Mother’s day weekend, so we could be with the biggest girl – and a lovely time that was.

The rest of the time has been somewhat more difficult – and it got a lot more difficult for me with one thing and another, and there have been tears - I had a bit of a meltdown last Thursday and Friday L.

I therefore took some time over that weekend to examine how I was really feeling about the house – how the house was feeling to me – and if all my angst could go away.

Well of course all my angst can go away, that is just a matter of choice of reaction – so I needed to take the time over the weekend to examine my reaction and work out how to make it calmer. 

There is always a positive to angst though isn’t there?  There is always a lesson.

And the positive is that I have learned *a lot* about how your tiles might look different to what you had envisaged, different even than what you had planned when speaking about them – and that plenty of that comes down to circumstances and the decisions of others, way back in the build.  In the grand scheme of things, despite my massive feelings, I had to let the angst go.

But here’s the scoop – you might not be told otherwise! – it is perfectly normal for your tiles to have cupped edges and therefore never be able to be level when laid – I now know this from our building supervisor, our tiler and the tiling retailer.  Just wish they had told me before ‘seeing was believing’ L.  And I know now I would have (and you might be!) been better off planning the tile layout before the plumbing was installed – that way the potentials might pop up then when it is a bit easier to change plans…

Now before I got to the stage of letting go of my angst…(actually I am still getting there…) I got all in a tizz about so many things – big things, deep!! Like – what right did I have to get upset over tiles when everything else is so good?  What right did I have to get upset over tiles when there are people in my own ‘backyard’ who have so many bigger problems?  What right did I have when that is so a ‘first world’ problem?  What right did I have to even be building such a reasonably big, reasonably expensive house when there are people in the world starving and without any shelter at all?

Far out, I really did have to see if I could find a way to justify to myself why we are building this house at all – with such an investment of our time, energy and money – when perhaps we could/should have been putting all that into helping solve a world problem! 

So, is there an answer?  The only way I can justify it, is to remember why we are building in the first place.  We are building this home as a way to show our love for our family and for our world.  We are building to help the world be a better place by this home being around for a long time – for our children and our grandchildren and their children.  We are building this home to share it with visitors.  Does all this justify our time, effort and money?  It only does because I believe that to show love to people in the world, we first need to show love to those closest to us.  So, if we are building this 'environmentally friendly' home for our family, then it is a step to healing the world.  And that is just.

Too simplistic??  That would be too hard for me to decide…

And it wouldn’t matter anyway – this is my feeling and that’s ok by me.

I know that my going back to paid work full-time 5 weeks ago has led to a lot of these feelings for our home – I have lost my connection to it L.  Part of my feelings is grief - I had got to thinking I would always be part of building this house and that is no longer the case.   Who would have thought that going back to a job I absolutely love would have made such a difference?

I am, and I will continue, working hard to get the connection to our home back.

And Richard, I tried to be normal once – worst two minutes of my life ;-)!